The 6 Types of Pokemon Namers

1. The Defaulter

Battle Quote: “Blitzle is a perfectly respectable name.”

Examples: Oshawott, Patrat, Lillipup

Synopsis: You don’t work for Nintendo. Why should it be your job to name their army of made-up monsters? You’re too busy on your quest to catch them all. Besides, you want to be able to talk shop with your Pokebros without wasting time trying to figure out which particular Pocket Monster everyone is talking about. Then again, maybe you’re just lazy.

2. The Pro

Battle Quote: “I’ll show Game Freak how real puns are made. In fact, you could say my skills are… pun-believable.”

Examples: Zapidash, Piglit, Grassassin

Synopsis: You are a master of the written word, even if you haven’t had time to sit down and write that novel yet. In the meantime, you prove your linguistic prowess with well-crafted Pokemon names. So what if you spend more time coming up with the perfect nickname than actually playing the game? It’s totally worth it for that slight chuckle your friends emit when they first set eyes upon your Pigeru Miyamoinko.

3. The 1st Thing

Battle Quote: “Ah, uh… ummmmmmm… huh.”

Examples: Socket, Taco, Monday

Synopsis: You want to do your Pokemon the courtesy of a nickname, but you don’t like to beat around the tall grass either. No sooner does the pokeball click than you’re at the name entry screen, plugging in whatever random word your brain farts out first. Sure, your nicknames might have less to do with Pokemon than they do with random items on your coffee table, but being clever is hard work. And you’d rather have a Cottonee named Stapler than leave it as the default. …Wait, why is that exactly?

4. The Legitimate Namer 

Battle Quote: “Pokemon are my friends. My friends deserve real people names.”

Examples: Steve, Michelle, Dennis

Synopsis: You would never grab a beer with some freak named Zoroark. But Chuck? There’s a cool bro you could trust all the way to the Elite Four. At the very least, you can trick people into thinking you have real friends when you tell them you can’t go out because you’re chilling with Mac (the lv. 25 Pignite) and Charlie (the lv. 27 Solosis) later.

5. The Themer

Battle Quote: “Pokemon is cool, but not as cool as Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Destiny.”

Examples: Goku, Spike S., Legato

Synopsis: You are more than a simple Pokemaster. Your nerdery extends into dozens of other geek franchises, and you’re damn proud of that. What better way to show off to your other nerd friends then by naming your bug-type Pokemon after Shino the bug guy in Naruto? Ha ha, bet your friends didn’t know that character. They’ve probably never even watched the original Japanese fansubs! What a bunch of losers! 

6. The Sicko

Battle Quote: “If I didn’t win, at least I made you throw up a little.”

Examples: Wet Dream, Nose Dildo, VagMonster

Synopsis: Honestly? You’re kind of a dick. Your favorite pastime is trolling everyone else’s innocent enjoyment of a beloved family franchise with the foulest names you can come up with. You giggle every time you send your Ejaculator into battle, or whenever UrMomsTitz uses Milk Drink. Sure, you’re hilarious, but remember: it’s all fun and games until your little brother tells your mom you made him fight NutSucker.